Suffering in Silence

I’m happy almost all the time and it’s very rare that I get sad or upset. My perpetually happy demeanor comes from an incredibly strong resolve that goes as follows, “No matter how dark a day, it will be new and beautiful in the next. Life is continuous and gorgeous.” I tell that to myself constantly and it’s my truth but sometimes I don’t believe my own words and my resolve wavers.

Then I get sad. I get sad and then I want to talk, to someone, anyone. But oftentimes I find there is nobody in my mind that I think I can talk to. I choose those words carefully because I’m sure in truth there are probably many people who would like to lend an ear, but sometimes we create these jails in our minds and hold ourselves prisoner. Maybe I can’t speak for you the reader but I can speak for myself, I’ve done that once or twice. I start thinking and thinking, then overthinking and then I stay with my thoughts on my mind, too deep to dig out and vent to someone, too cautious and private to take it to social media spaces like Twitter or Facebook (worried people would think I’m searching for attention, which in a sense I would be, I mean I just want to be heard). So in frustration I typed up this post. This way I don’t just suffer in silence at least I can vent out loud here. Or at the very least describe my torment.

Being happy all the time is exhuasting. There are days where I would love to sit in my room and shed a tear, days where I would give anything to be alone for a time but I know that it wont help myself or those around me.

Let me be real. I’m want the people close to me to listen, yet at the same time I want them to let me be strong so I can get through it myself. I want to vent, but I dont want to be seen as weak. I hate that there is this lesson we teach to boys and men whih is to be silent in pain and to constantly be strong no matter what. I hate that saying anything to to anybody about my struggles and voicing my discomfort makes me weak and I hate how I can’t help but tell myself that I need to keep it inside because thats what society told me to do and thats whats expected of me. It shouldnt be that way.

I want there to be strength in being vurnerable. I want to communicate how I feel. I want that to be the case for all people. Not just me.

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